In the first season of Game of Thrones, Khal Drogo the warlord of the fierce and savage Dothraki people, wed Daenerys Targaryen, the sister of a claimant to the Iron Throne. Drogo and Daenerys were paired in an arranged marriage. No words were spoken between the two since they shared no common language.
After the ceremony, Drogo gave a stallion to his new bride as a wedding gift. She turned to her advisor and said, “I don’t know how to say thank you in Dothraki.” He replied, “There is no word for thank you in Dothraki.”
It's starting to feel that way today. Maybe it’s not thank you that is missing, but “you’re welcome” is AWOL in today’s polite conversation.
Countless times have I offered thanks to someone and heard “no problem” in return. In fact, that has been the go-to response just about every time. Rarely heard is “you’re welcome.” Why is that? Where did “you’re welcome” go?
It’s replacement is so inadequate. The phrase “no problem” may be among the most dispensable in the English language. Yes, a table server bringing a clean salad fork to me does not constitute much of a “problem.”
It’s worth exploring how “you’re welcome” came about.
Writing in Christian Science Monitor, Melissa Mohr observed:
When we say things like “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome,” we are communicating that we know and are abiding by the rules of politeness in English-speaking American society.
Mohr further wrote the phrase “you’re welcome” is “phatic speech, [which is] language used for social purposes rather than to convey information.”
Polite language and behavior is waning. My children, who are now adults, learned when they were young to ask the restaurant server when ordering “May I please have …” instead of “Get me …” “Give me …” or “I want …” They also send thank you notes, something I encouraged them to do when they were schoolchildren. In my business and personal life, I send thank you letters and cards. Maybe it’s old fashioned, but it shouldn’t be out of fashion.
For years, far too many peers have introduced me to their young child as “This is Mark.” I respond to their offspring with “You can call me Mr. Mark.” One time, a mother attempted to override me stating she gave her 4-year old daughter permission to call adults by their first name. “But she doesn’t have my permission,” I replied.
I do not agree with blurring the lines between adults and children. Especially when it comes to sex. There’s a reason why drag performers like to flash a phallus in the face of a child. But that is a column for another day.
Admittedly, I sometimes have a little fun when someone in the service industry offers “Have a good one” as I start to leave. “One what?” I ask. After some hesitation, most will say “Day. Have a good day.” Others get flustered and answer they don’t know what “have a good one” means. They just say it.
The 1986 hit film “Crocodile Dundee” underscores that polite greetings are a very American custom. Anyone who has lived abroad knows this. Australian Mick Dundee, transplanted from the Australian outback into the Big Apple, attempts his best New York accent by telling a hotel doorman “Have a nice day, Oiving.”
Aside from fine dining or Chick-fil-A, I am more likely to be greeted by a restaurant server with “What’s up?” or “Hey, guys” rather than “Welcome to Applebee’s.” You must give Chick-fil-A it’s due. Its staff are incredibly polite compared to their peers. However they are also guilty of absconding with “you’re welcome” and in its place they respond with “my pleasure.”
Demonstrating it is out-of-step with most of polite society the New York Times published a column implying “you’re welcome” is an offensive phrase, or it is used to dunk on other people. Suggesting politeness represents some kind of imagined one upmanship, the Times wrote “In the conversational volley, the person who says ‘you’re welcome’ gets the last word.” In the New York Times newsroom, even polite society is made up of oppressors and victims.
Regarding expectations of politeness, I have been perplexed by the failure of people to respond to an invitation. RSVP is the abbreviation for répondez s'il vous plait, which is the fancy, French way of requesting someone respond to an invite. There was a time when it was found at the bottom of an invitation. That was back in the day when people actually mailed invitations that weren’t wedding invitations.
Speaking of wedding invitations, they make it oh-so-simple. It will include a response card and a self-addressed stamped envelope. Check the YES or NO, indicate if you are bringing a +1, and slip it into the mail. Anecdotally, I’ve heard from many newlywed families that as many as ten percent will not even reply, and require a follow-up telephone call.
Electronic invitations are even easier. Many will give three options: YES, NO, MAYBE. Even the indecisive have an option. Still, some do not respond. Where did common courtesy go?
Admittedly, it was much less complicated when Khal Drogo wed Daenerys Targaryen. They didn’t send invitations. The entire tribe was invited.
Mark Hyman is an Emmy award-winning investigative journalist. Follow him on Twitter (X), Threads, Gettr, Post, and Mastodon.world at @markhyman, and on Truth Social at @markhyman81.
His books Washington Babylon: From George Washington to Donald Trump, Scandals That Rocked the Nation and Pardongate: How Bill and Hillary Clinton and their Brothers Profited from Pardons are on sale now (here and here).